ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.