*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
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Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*updates tinder bio*
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”