Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Google reviews are always so mixed..
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.