Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
where do you see yourself in five years?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
emergency phone
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house