Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE