me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly