Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I鈥檓 just marveling at how the hand towel in my son鈥檚 bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won鈥檛 be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 馃槀
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 馃檪
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I can鈥檛 believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
You can鈥檛 hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it鈥檚 not butter.’ We鈥檙e sick of your shit, Bob.