ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
best first i’ve ever seen
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.