ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?