Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick