Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Sing it!
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.