Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Me if I was a dog
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.