@BadWolfArchives

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!


Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

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@djdarrellripley

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

@KrunkedRobot

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@daemonic3

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

@murrman5

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

@Goofpoops

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

@protolalia

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

@iamspacegirl

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

@errdayhustlah

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

@DrakeGatsby

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

@brunopieroni

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.