Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
You Might Also Like
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect