Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes