ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*