me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.