ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
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Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken