Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack