ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper