Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location