Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
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The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag