ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

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He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.


I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.


Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children


*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”


Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.


If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.


Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*


I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!


Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean


Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy