Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
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Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
mood
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.