Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”