Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
You Might Also Like
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*