Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
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Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.