ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway