Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
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Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
i love modern commerce
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
This is hilarious….
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.