Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
You Might Also Like
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
every single time
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
The three genders