[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
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Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail