Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
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Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.