me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man