me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife