Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
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I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food