ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
me after drinking all the wine:
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Sing it!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.