Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

Google Pay be like:

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.