me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
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I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats