Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
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is this a threat
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.