Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
my proudest tweet
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons