Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”