Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Education is vital
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you