Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

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WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.


Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.


I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?


Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now


Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.


Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.


I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.


The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses


My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.