Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
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Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Just why bro?!
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.