ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.