Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
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[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Great acting.. 😂
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down