me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
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I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.