Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
You Might Also Like
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.