me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Trumpy Cat
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.