Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
As the Lord intended
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.