@1KelliBelle

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

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@bingowings14

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

@spaceboyriley

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

@MagentaPapi

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

@RadWizzy

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

@Jake_Vig

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

@gbergan

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

@MrEd_EVH

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

@JoParkerBear

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.