Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

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[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.


Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator


I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.


“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.


Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…


Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.


A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach


Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.