me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
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[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
got so much cardio in today
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.