Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
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There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.