ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
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friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”